The Joke Department

Sister asked a child, What happens when you go to confession?

Sister “When you go to confession what does the priest do?
Child He forgives your sins.

Sister When he gives you absolution what does he do?
Child He absolutely forgives your sins.

Woman goes to the vet to pick up her dog.
I came to pick up my dog Barney, how is he doing?
He’s dead, replied the doctor.
What do you mean he’s dead, he just needed a flea bath.
Well, like I said, he’s dead, D-e-a-d, dead.
How do you know he’s dead?
OK, I will do some tests on him to show you he’s dead.
So the doctor brought in a Labrador Retriever and it sniffed around the dog and couldn’t get a rise out of him.
Next he brought in a cat and the cat walked around the dog and the cat never got a rise out of him either.
The woman said, “WHAT does that prove”?
Well, the doctor said, I did a Lab test and a CAT scan, what other proof do you need.

O’Toole’s confession
     O’Toole worked in the lumber yard for twenty years and all that time he’d been stealing the wood and selling it. At last his conscience began to bother him and he went to confession to repent.

“Father, it’s 15 years since my last confession, and I’ve been stealing wood from the lumber yard all those years,” he told the priest.
“I understand my son,” says the priest.
“For your penance can you make a Novena?
“O’Toole said, “Father, if you have the plans, I’ve got the lumber.”

The Blessing of the Crosses

A priest giving a homily during lent finishes his sermon, saying to the congregation, “My dear friends I see that many of you have crosses and other religious articles that you would like me to bless: I can see there are so many to bless would you all hold them up and I will bless them all at one time. People in the congregation were all reaching for their crosses and other religious articles when there appeared to be a disturbance in back of the church; some guy was trying to lift his wife up in the air. The priest looked at him and said, “What in God’s name are you trying to do.” The man, struggling to keep his wife up said, Father, “this is my cross, would you please bless her, I can’t hold her up much longer.”

Me Dog Is Dead

Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside with only his pet dog for company. One day the dog died and Muldoon went to the parish priest and asked, “Father, me dog is dead. Could ya’be saying a Mass for the poor creature?” The priest replied, “I’m afraid not me lad, we cannot have services for an animal in the church. But there are some Baptists down the lane, and there’s no tellin’ what they believe. Maybe they’ll do something for the creature”. Muldoon said, “I’ll go right away Father. Do ya’ think $5,000 is enough to donate to them for the service?” The priest exclaimed, “Sweet Mary, Mother of God, why didn’t ya’ tell me the dog was Catholic?!!”

Irishmen’s hearing problem

Three old Irishmen met on the street on a very stormy day.
The wind was so strong and loud that they had difficulty in hearing each other.
“It’s windy,” said one.
“No, it’s Thursday,” said the next.
“So am I,” said the third. “Let’s go and have a drink of Guinness!”

 “A Wise Irish Lad”

An aging Irishman lived alone in Ireland. His only son was in Long Kesh Prison, and he didn’t know anyone who would spade up his potato garden.
    The old man wrote to his son about it, and received this reply… “For heavens sake, Dad, don’t dig up that garden! Don’t you remember, that’s where I buried the GUNS!”
    At precisely 5 a.m. the following morning, a dozen British soldiers showed up and dug up the entire garden, but found narry a gun…. Confused, the man wrote to his son telling him what happened and asked him what to do next. His son’s reply was: “Dad, just plant your potatoes.”

Olive in the Martini

McQuillan walked into a bar and ordered martini after martini, each time removing the olives and placing them in a jar. When the jar was filled with olives and all the drinks consumed, he started to leave.
    “S’cuse me,” said a customer, who was puzzled over what McQuillan had done.
    “What was that all about?”
    “Nothing,” he replied, “my wife just sent me out for a jar of olives.”
The Final Word
    The sermon went on and on. Finally the minister paused, then asked, “What more can I say?” From back of the church a voice was heard to say, “Amen.”
Subtle Hint
    Seamus had overstayed his welcome at this girlfriend’s house.     “You’d better leave now,” she said. “My father has a habit of taking things apart to see why they won’t go.”

Irish toasts

May the grass grow long on the road to hell for want of use.
An Irishman is never drunk as long as he can hold on to one blade of grass
and not fall off the face of the earth.
May you live to be a hundred years, with one extra year to repent.
As you slide down the banisters of life may the splinters never point the wrong way.
May your troubles be as few as your grandmother’s teeth.
In Heaven there is no beer that’s why we drink it here.
May the enemies of Ireland never eat bread or drink whisky, but be afflicted with itching without the benefit of scratching.
May the roof above us never fall in, and may we friends gathered below never fall out.
May you get all your wishes but one, so you always have something to strive for.
May God bring good health to your enemies enemies.
May those who love us, love us and those who don’t love us, may God turn their hearts.
And if he can not turn their hearts, may he turn their ankles, so we may know them by their limping.

“A Wise Irish Lad”

An aging Irishman lived alone in Ireland. His only son was in Long Kesh Prison, and he didn’t know anyone who would spade up his potato garden.
The old man wrote to his son about it, and received this reply… “For heavens sake, Dad, don’t dig up that garden! Don’t you remember, that’s where I buried the GUNS!”
At precisely 5 a.m. the following, a dozen British soldiers showed up and dug up the entire garden, but found narry a gun…. Confused, the man wrote to his son telling him what happened and asked him what to do next. His son’s reply was: “Dad, just plant your potatoes.”
morning

Paddy’s War

Saddam Hussein was sitting in his office wondering what to do next when his telephone rang.
“Hallo, Mr. Hussein,” a heavily accented voice said. “This is Paddy down at the Harp Pub in County Sligo, Ireland. I am ringing to inform you that we are officially declaring war on you!”
“Well, Paddy,” Saddam replied, “this is indeed important news! How big is your army?”
“Right now,” said Paddy, after a moment’s calculation, “there is meself, my cousin Sean, my next door neighbor Seamus, and the entire dart team from the pub. That makes eight!”
Saddam paused, “I must tell you Paddy, that I have one million men in my army waiting to move on my command.”
“Begorra,” said Paddy. ‘I’ll have to ring you back!” Sure enough the next day, Paddy called again. “Mr. Hussein, the war is still on! We have managed to acquire some infantry equipment!”
“And what equipment would that be, Paddy?” Saddam asked.
“Well, we have two farm tractors, a bulldozer, and Murphy’s combine.”
Saddam sighed. “I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 6,000 tanks and 4,000 armored personnel carriers. Also, I’ve increased my army to 1-1/2 million.”
“Saints preserve us!” said Paddy. “I’ll have to get back to you.”
Sure enough, Paddy again called the next day. “Mr. Hussein, the war is still on! We have managed to get ourselves airborne! We’ve modified Harrigan’s ultra-light with a couple of shotguns and four boys from the Shamrock Pub have joined us as well!”
Saddam was silent for a minute and then cleared his throat. “I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 1,000 bombers and 2,000 fighter planes. My military complex is surrounded by laser guided, surface-to-air missile sites. And since we last spoke, I’ve increase my army to two million!”
“Saints preserve us!” said Paddy, “I’ll have to ring you back.”
Sure enough, Paddy called again the next day. “Top O’ the mornin, Mr. Hussein, I am sorry to tell you that we have decided to call off the war.”
“I’m sorry to hear that,” said Saddam. “Why the sudden change of heart?”
“Well,’ said Paddy, “we’ve all had a long chat over a bunch of pints, and we decided there’s no way we can feed two million prisoners.”
God Bless The Irish!

Taking No Chances

Michael the farm hand had finished work. The byres and stables were closed, the animals fed and housed for the night.     He lifted down the hurricane lamp from its hook and walked down the yard. Just then he met the farmer.     “Michael, where are you going tonight?” the farmer asked.     “I’m going to see my Jean,” Michael replied.     Going courting, then?” asked the farmer with a wink. “But I didn’t need a hurricane lamp when I was courting.”     “No, indeed, Michael replied, but look what you got!”

The Final Word

The sermon went on and on. Finally the minister paused, then asked, “What more can I say?”     From back of the church a voice was heard to say, “Amen.”
Subtle Hint
Seamus had overstayed his welcome at this girlfriend’s house. “You’d better leave now,” she said. “My father has a habit of taking things apart to see why they won’t go.”

O’Toole meets St. Peter

Paddy Irishman died and went up to heaven where St. Peter greeted him.
“And who are you?” asked St. Peter.
“My name is Peter O’Toole”
“And what did you do for a living?” asked St. Peter.
“I was unemployed”
“Unemployed hmmm?” mused St. Peter. “And have you ever done anything good in your life?”
“As a matter of fact I have. I was walking along the street once and I saw a group of bikers who were threatening to beat up a defenseless girl. So I rushed to her rescue, pulled the ringleader off by his hair, kicked him hard and told him and his gang to clear off.”
“That’s highly commendable,” said St. Peter, flicking through the man’s file, “but I don’t see any record of this incident. When did it happen?”
“About five minutes ago”

Accident Intervention

A rabbi and a Irish priest get into a car accident and it’s a bad one. Both cars are totally demolished, but, amazingly, neither of the clerics are hurt. After they crawl out of their cars, the rabbi sees the priest’s collar and says, “So you’re a priest. I’m a rabbi. Just look at our cars. There’s nothing left, but we are unhurt. This must be a sign from God. God must have meant that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace the rest of our days.”  The priest replies, “I agree with you completely. This must be a sign from God.”     The rabbi continues, “And look at this. Here’s another miracle. My car is completely demolished but this bottle of Mogen David wine didn’t break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune.” Then he hands the bottle to the priest.      The priest agrees, takes a few big Irish-style swigs, and hands the bottle back to the rabbi. The rabbi takes the bottle, immediately puts the cap on, and hands it back to the priest.     The priest asks, “Aren’t you having any?”  The rabbi replies, “No… I think I’ll wait for the police.”

 An Irishman and three pints

An Irishman moves into a tiny hamlet in County Kerry, walks into the pub and promptly orders three Guinesses.
The bartender raises his eyebrows, but serves the man three pints, which he drinks quietly at a table, alone.
An hour later, the man has finished the three pints and orders three more. This happens yet again.
The next evening the man orders and drinks three pints at a time, several times. Soon the entire town is whispering about the Man Who Orders Three Pints.
A week later, the bartender broaches the subject on behalf of the town.
“I don’t mean to pry, but folks around here are wondering why you always order three pints?”
‘Tis odd, isn’t it?” the man replies, “You see, I have two brothers, and one went to America, and the other to Australia. We promised each other that we would always order an extra two pints whenever we drank as a way of keeping up the family bond.”
The bartender and the whole town was pleased with this answer, and soon the Man Who Orders Three Pints became a local celebrity and source of pride to the hamlet, even to the extent that out-of-towners would come to watch him drink.
Then, one day, the man comes in and orders only two pints.
The bartender pours them with a heavy heart. This continues for the rest of the evening. He orders only two pints.
The word flies around town. Prayers are offered for the soul of one of the brothers.
The next day, the bartender says to the man, “Folks around here, me first of all, want to offer condolences to you for the death of your brother. You know — the two pints and all…”
The man ponders this for a moment, then replies, “You’ll be happy to hear my two brothers are alive and well. It’s just that I, me self, have decided to give up drinking for Lent.

Mike’s baby delivery

Mike and his pregnant wife live on a farm. There was no running water, no electricity, etc.
One night, Mikes’ wife begins to deliver the baby. The local doctor was able to be there in attendance.
“What d’ya want me to do, Doctor?” said Mike.
“Hold the lantern, Mike. Here it comes!”
The doctor delivers the child and holds it up for the proud father to see.
“Mike, you’re the proud father of a fine strapping boy.”
“Saints be praised, I…
” Before Mike can finish the Doctor interrupts, “Wait a minute. Hold the lantern, Mike.
” Soon the doctor delivers the next child. “You’ve a full set now, Mike. A beautiful baby daughter.”
“Thanks be to…
” Again the Doctor cuts in, “Hold the lantern, Mike, Hold the lantern!
” Soon the Doctor delivers a third child.
The doctor holds up the baby for Mike’s inspection.
“Doctor,” asks Mike, “Do you think it’s the light that’s attracting them?”

Big Mick O’Reilly

Barty was trapped in a bog and seemed a goner when Big Mick O’Reilly wandered by. “Help!” Barty shouted, “I’m sinkin’!”
Don’t worry,” assured Mick. “Next to the Strong Muldoon, I’m the strongest man in Erin, and I’ll pull ye right out o’ there.”
Mick leaned out and grabbed Barty’s hand and pulled and pulled to no avail.
After two more unsuccessful attempts, Mick said to Barty, “Shure, I can’t do it. The Strong Muldoon could do it alone, mebbe, but I’ll have to get some help.”
As Mick was leaving, Barty called out, “Mick! Mick! D’ye think it will help if I pull me feet out of the stirrups?

______________________________________________________

                    
“A Wise Irish Lad”
    An aging Irishman lived alone in Ireland. His only son was in Long Kesh Prison, and he didn’t know anyone who would spade up his potato garden.
    The old man wrote to his son about it, and received this reply… “For heavens sake, Dad, don’t dig up that garden! Don’t you remember, that’s where I buried the GUNS!”
    At precisely 5 a.m. the following morning, a dozen British soldiers showed up and dug up the entire garden, but found narry a gun…. Confused, the man wrote to his son telling him what happened and asked him what to do next. His son’s reply was: “Dad, just plant your potatoes.”
 
Paddy’s War
    Saddam Hussein was sitting in his office wondering what to do next when his telephone rang.
    “Hallo, Mr. Hussein,” a heavily accented voice said. “This is Paddy down at the Harp Pub in County Sligo, Ireland. I am ringing to inform you that we are officially declaring war on you!”
    “Well, Paddy,” Saddam replied, “this is indeed important news! How big is your army?”
     “Right now,” said Paddy, after a moment’s calculation, “there is meself, my cousin Sean, my next door neighbor Seamus, and the entire dart team from the pub. That makes eight!”
    Saddam paused, “I must tell you Paddy, that I have one million men in my army waiting to move on my command.”
    “Begorra,” said Paddy. ‘I’ll have to ring you back!” Sure enough the next day, Paddy called again. “Mr. Hussein, the war is still on! We have managed to acquire some infantry equipment!”
    “And what equipment would that be, Paddy?” Saddam asked.
    “Well, we have two farm tractors, a bulldozer, and Murphy’s combine.”
    Saddam sighed. “I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 6,000 tanks and 4,000 armored personnel carriers. Also, I’ve increased my army to 1-1/2 million.”
    “Saints preserve us!” said Paddy. “I’ll have to get back to you.”
    Sure enough, Paddy again called the next day. “Mr. Hussein, the war is still on! We have managed to get ourselves airborne! We’ve modified Harrigan’s ultra-light with a couple of shotguns and four boys from the Shamrock Pub have joined us as well!”
    Saddam was silent for a minute and then cleared his throat. “I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 1,000 bombers and 2,000 fighter planes. My military complex is surrounded by laser guided, surface-to-air missile sites. And since we last spoke, I’ve increase my army to two million!”
    “Saints preserve us!” said Paddy, “I’ll have to ring you back.”
    Sure enough, Paddy called again the next day. “Top O’ the mornin, Mr. Hussein, I am sorry to tell you that we have decided to call off the war.”
    “I’m sorry to hear that,” said Saddam. “Why the sudden change of heart?”
    “Well,’ said Paddy, “we’ve all had a long chat over a bunch of pints, and we decided there’s no way we can feed two million prisoners.”
God Bless The Irish!
 
Taking No Chances
     Michael the farm hand had finished work. The byres and stables were closed, the animals fed and housed for the night.     He lifted down the hurricane lamp from its hook and walked down the yard. Just then he met the farmer.     “Michael, where are you going tonight?” the farmer asked.     “I’m going to see my Jean,” Michael replied.     Going courting, then?” asked the farmer with a wink. “But I didn’t need a hurricane lamp when I was courting.”     “No, indeed, Michael replied, but look what you got!”

The Final Word
    The sermon went on and on. Finally the minister paused, then asked, “What more can I say?”     From back of the church a voice was heard to say, “Amen.”

Subtle Hint
    Seamus had overstayed his welcome at this girlfriend’s house.     “You’d better leave now,” she said. “My father has a habit of taking things apart to see why they won’t go.”

St. Peter
    Paddy Irishman died and went up to heaven where St. Peter greeted him.
    “And who are you?” asked St. Peter.
    “My name is Peter O’Toole”
    “And what did you do for a living?” asked St. Peter.
    “I was unemployed”
    “Unemployed hmmm?” mused St. Peter. “And have you ever done anything good in your life?”
    “As a matter of fact I have. I was walking along the street once and I saw a group of bikers who were threatening to beat up a defenseless girl. So I rushed to her rescue, pulled the ringleader off by his hair, kicked him hard and told him and his gang to clear off.”
    “That’s highly commendable,” said St. Peter, flicking through the man’s file, “but I don’t see any record of this incident. When did it happen?”
    “About five minutes ago”
 
Accident Intervention
    A rabbi and a Irish priest get into a car accident and it’s a bad one. Both cars are totally demolished, but, amazingly, neither of the clerics are hurt. After they crawl out of their cars, the rabbi sees the priest’s collar and says, “So you’re a priest. I’m a rabbi. Just look at our cars. There’s nothing left, but we are unhurt. This must be a sign from God. God must have meant that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace the rest of our days.”  The priest replies, “I agree with you completely. This must be a sign from God.”     The rabbi continues, “And look at this. Here’s another miracle. My car is completely demolished but this bottle of Mogen David wine didn’t break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune.” Then he hands the bottle to the priest.      The priest agrees, takes a few big Irish-style swigs, and hands the bottle back to the rabbi. The rabbi takes the bottle, immediately puts the cap on, and hands it back to the priest.     The priest asks, “Aren’t you having any?”  The rabbi replies, “No… I think I’ll wait for the police.”
 
 An Irishman and three pints
   An Irishman moves into a tiny hamlet in County Kerry, walks into the pub and promptly orders three Guinesses.
    The bartender raises his eyebrows, but serves the man three pints, which he drinks quietly at a table, alone.
    An hour later, the man has finished the three pints and orders three more. This happens yet again.
    The next evening the man orders and drinks three pints at a time, several times. Soon the entire town is whispering about the Man Who Orders Three Pints.
    A week later, the bartender broaches the subject on behalf of the town.
    “I don’t mean to pry, but folks around here are wondering why you always order three pints?”
    ‘Tis odd, isn’t it?” the man replies, “You see, I have two brothers, and one went to America, and the other to Australia. We promised each other that we would always order an extra two pints whenever we drank as a way of keeping up the family bond.”
    The bartender and the whole town was pleased with this answer, and soon the Man Who Orders Three Pints became a local celebrity and source of pride to the hamlet, even to the extent that out-of-towners would come to watch him drink.
    Then, one day, the man comes in and orders only two pints.
    The bartender pours them with a heavy heart. This continues for the rest of the evening. He orders only two pints.
    The word flies around town. Prayers are offered for the soul of one of the brothers.
    The next day, the bartender says to the man, “Folks around here, me first of all, want to offer condolences to you for the death of your brother. You know — the two pints and all…”
    The man ponders this for a moment, then replies, “You’ll be happy to hear my two brothers are alive and well. It’s just that I, me self, have decided to give up drinking for Lent.
 
Mike’s baby delivery
    Mike and his pregnant wife live on a farm. There was no running water, no electricity, etc.
     One night, Mikes’ wife begins to deliver the baby. The local doctor was able to be there in attendance.
     “What d’ya want me to do, Doctor?” said Mike.
    “Hold the lantern, Mike. Here it comes!”
    The doctor delivers the child and holds it up for the proud father to see.
    “Mike, you’re the proud father of a fine strapping boy.”
    “Saints be praised, I…
     ” Before Mike can finish the Doctor interrupts, “Wait a minute. Hold the lantern, Mike.
     ” Soon the doctor delivers the next child. “You’ve a full set now, Mike. A beautiful baby daughter.”
    “Thanks be to…
     ” Again the Doctor cuts in, “Hold the lantern, Mike, Hold the lantern!
    ” Soon the Doctor delivers a third child.
    The doctor holds up the baby for Mike’s inspection.
     “Doctor,” asks Mike, “Do you think it’s the light that’s attracting them?”

Big Mick O’Reilly   
 Barty was trapped in a bog and seemed a goner when Big Mick O’Reilly wandered by. “Help!” Barty shouted, “I’m sinkin’!”
    Don’t worry,” assured Mick. “Next to the Strong Muldoon, I’m the strongest man in Erin, and I’ll pull ye right out o’ there.”
    Mick leaned out and grabbed Barty’s hand and pulled and pulled to no avail.
    After two more unsuccessful attempts, Mick said to Barty, “Shure, I can’t do it. The Strong Muldoon could do it alone, mebbe, but I’ll have to get some help.”
    As Mick was leaving, Barty called out, “Mick! Mick! D’ye think it will help if I pull me feet out of the stirrups?
 

O’Toole’s confession
    O’Toole worked in the lumber yard for twenty years and all that time he’d been stealing the wood and selling it. At last his conscience began to bother him and he went to confession to repent.
    “Father, it’s 15 years since my last confession, and I’ve been stealing wood from the lumber yard all those years,” he told the priest.
    “I understand my son,” says the priest.
    “For your penance can you make a Novena?
    “O’Toole said, “Father, if you have the plans, I’ve got the lumber.”
 
Irishmen’s hearing problem
    Three old Irishmen met on the street on a very stormy day.
    The wind was so strong and loud that they had difficulty in hearing each other.
    “It’s windy,” said one.
     “No, it’s Thursday,” said the next.
    “So am I,” said the third. “Let’s go and have a drink of Guinness!”

  “A Wise Irish Lad”
    An aging Irishman lived alone in Ireland. His only son was in Long Kesh Prison, and he didn’t know anyone who would spade up his potato garden.
    The old man wrote to his son about it, and received this reply… “For heavens sake, Dad, don’t dig up that garden! Don’t you remember, that’s where I buried the GUNS!”
    At precisely 5 a.m. the following morning, a dozen British soldiers showed up and dug up the entire garden, but found narry a gun…. Confused, the man wrote to his son telling him what happened and asked him what to do next. His son’s reply was: “Dad, just plant your potatoes.”
Olive in the Martini
      McQuillan walked into a bar and ordered martini after martini, each time removing the olives and placing them in a jar. When the jar was filled with olives and all the drinks consumed, he started to leave.
    “S’cuse me,” said a customer, who was puzzled over what McQuillan had done.
    “What was that all about?”
    “Nothing,” he replied, “my wife just sent me out for a jar of olives.”

The Final Word
    The sermon went on and on. Finally the minister paused, then asked, “What more can I say?” From back of the church a voice was heard to say, “Amen.”

Subtle Hint
    Seamus had overstayed his welcome at this girlfriend’s house.     “You’d better leave now,” she said. “My father has a habit of taking things apart to see why they won’t go.”

Ode to the Bride and Groom
    A tribute to the bride and groom by the best man at the wedding Marge and I went to in Birdhill, Ireland.
Ladies and gentlemen I would Now like to finish
with a simple Ode to Peter & Michelle…
I would like to offer congratulations 
On the termination of yer isolation
and may I express an appreciation
of yer determination
to end the desperation and frustration
which has caused so much consternation
in giving ye the inspiration
to make a combination
to bring about an accumulation
to the population

Me Dog Is Dead
Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside with only his pet dog for company. One day the dog died and Muldoon went to the parish priest and asked, “Father, me dog is dead. Could ya’be saying a Mass for the poor creature?” The priest replied, “I’m afraid not me lad, we cannot have services for an animal in the church. But there are some Baptists down the lane, and there’s no tellin’ what they believe. Maybe they’ll do something for the creature”. Muldoon said, “I’ll go right away Father. Do ya’ think $5,000 is enough to donate to them for the service?” The priest exclaimed, “Sweet Mary, Mother of God, why didn’t ya’ tell me the dog was Catholic?!!”

Paddy Murphy
 Six retired Irishmen were playing poker in O’Leary’s
 apartment when Paddy Murphy loses $500 on a single
 hand, clutches his chest and drops dead at the table. 
   Showing respect for their fallen brother, the other
 five continue playing standing up. 
  
Michael O’Conner looks around and asks, “Oh, me
 boys, someone got’s to tell Paddy’s wife. Who will it be?”
 
They draw straws. Paul Gallagher picks the short one. 
They tell him to be discreet be gentle, don’t make a
 bad situation any worse. 
  
”Discreet??? 
I’m the most discreet Irishmen you’ll ever meet. 
Discretion is me middle name. Leave it to me.” 
  
Gallagher goes over to Murphy’s house and knocks on
 the door. Mrs. Murphy answers and asks what he wants. 
Gallagher declares: “Your husband just lost $500 and
 is afraid to come home.” 
  
”Tell him to drop dead!”, says Murphy’s wife. 
  
”I’ll go tell him.” says Gallagher.

God Bless The Irish!
Priestly jokes  

The Blessing of the Crosses  
     A priest giving a homily at a mission finishes his sermon, saying to the congregation, “My dear friends I see that many of you have, rosaries, crosses and other religious articles that you would like me to bless: There are so many articles for me to bless so if you will all hold them up I will bless them all at one time. People in the congregation were all reaching for other religious articles for me to bless. There are so many, that if I were to bless them one at a time it would take up a great deal of time. So, I think if you will all hold them up at one time, I will bless them.
     Everyone in church is seen holding up their crosses and other religious items for the priest to bless.
 The priest looks around the congregation and sees a man in the back of the church holding up his wife.
      The priest says to the man, “What on earth are you doing?”
      The man answers, “Father, this is the only cross I have.”
                                                                                                        Source: Fr. Peter Quinn, who said it was a true story

The Strange Christmas Scene
    In a small southern town there was a “Nativity Scene” that showed great skill and talent had gone into creating it. One small feature bothered me.
    The three wise men were wearing firemen’s helmets.
    Totally unable to come up with a reason or explanation, I left. At a “Quick Stop” on the edge of town, I asked the lady behind the counter about the helmets. She exploded into a rage, yelling at me, “You stupid Yankees never do read the Bible!” I assured her that I did, but simply couldn’t recall anything about firemen in the Bible.
    She jerked her Bible from behind the counter and ruffled through some pages, and finally jabbed her finger at a passage. Sticking it in my face she said “See, it says right here, ‘The three wise men came from afar.'”
 Editor’s Note: Only a Yankee would appreciate that joke. My apologies to our southern brothers and sisters. 

 Priestly Foursome
       Four young priests decided to play golf on Saturday, and as was their custom, they took off their collars and put on causal wear for the match.
      When they reached the 10th tee they were approached by one of the green’s keepers. “You guys must be priests!”
      “How did you know that,” said one of the priests.
     “Oh,” said the greens keeper, “guys that play as badly as you do always swear.”
                                                                                                             Source: Distractions During Prayers
     A monk riding on his donkey along a country road comes upon a farmer fixing a fence. Thinking that he would like to test the farmer’s faith, he says to the farmer, “Dear sir, if you can say the Our Father without distraction I will give you this donkey I am sitting on.”
    The farmer says, with an incredulous look on his face, “Oh, sure I can do that.”
    So the farmer starts his prayer, “Our Father, who art in Heaven, hollowed be thy name, thy … Ahem … do I get the bridle too?”
                              Source: Fr. Jennings on our Day of Recollection

CATHOLIC HORSES
    Mitch, a hard-shell Southern Baptist, loved to sneak away to the race track.
     One day he was there betting on the ponies and nearly losing his shirt, until he noticed this priest who stepped out onto the track and blessed the forehead of one of the horses lining up for the next race. 
Low and      behold this horse, a very long shot, won the race. 
     Mitch was most interested to see what the priest did the next race. Sure enough, he watched the priest step out onto the track as the horses paced, and blessed the forehead of one of the horses.
    Mitch made a bee-line for the window and placed a small bet on the horse, even though it was another long shot. The horse the priest had blessed won the race! Mitch collected his winning and anxiously waited to see which horse the priest bestowed his blessing on for the next race.
    The priest showed, blessed a horse, Mitch bet on it, and it won!
    As the day went on the priest continued blessing one of the horses, and it always came in first. Mitch began to pull in some serious money, and by the last race, he knew his wildest dreams were going to come true. He made a quick stop at the ATM, withdrew big money and awaited the priest’s blessing that would tell him which horse to bet on.
    True to his pattern, the priest stepped out onto the track before the last race and blessed the forehead, eyes, ears and hooves of one of the horses.
     Mitchell bet every cent, and watched the horse come in dead last! 
    Mitchell was dumbfounded. He made his way to the track and when he found the priest, he demanded, “What happened, Father?” All day you blessed horses and they won. The last race, you blessed a horse and he lost! Now I’ve lost my savings, thanks to you! 
    The priest nodded wisely and said 11″That’s the problem with you Protestants . . you can’t tell the difference between a simple blessing and the Last Rites.”

God and St. Francis Discuss Ecology
GOD: Francis, you know all about gardens and nature. What in the world is going on down there in the US? What happened to the dandelions, violets, thistles & stuff I started eons ago? I had a perfect, no-maintenance garden plan. Those plants grow in any type of soil, withstand drought & multiply with abandon. The nectar from the long lasting blossoms attracts butterflies, honey bees and flocks of songbirds. I expected to see a vast garden of colors by now. But all I see are these green rectangles.
ST. FRANCIS: It’s the people that settled there, Lord; the Suburbanites. They started calling your flowers “weeds” and went to great lengths to kill them and replace them with grass.
GOD: Grass? But it’s so boring. It’s not colorful. It doesn’t attract butterflies, birds and bees, only grubs and sod worms. It’s temperamental with temperatures. Do these Suburbanites really want all that grass growing there?
ST. FRANCIS: Apparently so, Lord. They go to great pains to grow it and keep it green. They begin each spring by fertilizing grass and poisoning any other plant that crops up in the lawn.
GOD: The spring rains and warm weather probably make grass grow really fast. That must make the Suburbanites happy.
ST. FRANCIS: Apparently not, Lord. As soon as it grows a little, they cut it – sometimes twice a week. GOD: They cut it? Do they then bail it like hay?
ST. FRANCIS: Not exactly, Lord. Most of them rake it up and put it in bags.
GOD: They bag it? Why? Is it a cash crop? Do they sell it?
ST. FRANCIS: No Sir, just the opposite. They pay to throw it away.
GOD: Now let me get this straight. They fertilize grass so it will grow and when it does grow, they cut it off and pay to throw it away?
ST. FRANCIS: Yes, Sir.
GOD: These Suburbanites must be relieved in the summer when we cut back on the rain and turn up the heat. That surely slows the growth and saves them a lot of work.
ST. FRANCIS: You aren’t going to believe this Lord. When the grass stops growing so fast, they drag out hoses and pay more money to water it so they can continue to mow it and pay to get rid of it.
GOD: What nonsense. At least they kept some of the trees. That was a sheer stroke of genius, if I do say so myself. The trees grow leaves in the spring to provide beauty and shade in the summer. In the autumn they fall to the ground and form a natural blanket to keep moisture in the soil and protect the trees and bushes. Plus, as they rot, the leaves form compost to enhance the soil. It’s a natural circle of life.
ST. FRANCIS: You’d better sit down, Lord. The Suburbanites don’t know anything about the circle of life. As soon as the leaves fall, they rake them into great piles and pay to have them hauled away.
GOD: No. What do they do to protect the shrub and tree roots in the winter and to keep the soil moist and loose?
ST. FRANCIS: After throwing away the leaves, they go out and buy something which they call mulch. They haul it home and spread it around in place of the leaves.
GOD: And where do they get this mulch?
ST. FRANCIS: They cut down trees and grind them up to make the mulch.
GOD: Enough. I don’t want to think about this anymore. St. Catherine, you’re in charge of the arts. What movie have you scheduled for us tonight?
ST. CATHERINE: “Dumb and Dumber”, Lord. It’s a real stupid movie about …
GOD: Never mind, I think I just heard the whole story from St. Francis.

St. Louis IX, King of France
The King and the Turnip
This is a story told to us at Our Lady of Hope morning Mass by Fr. Jetti.
    It was the Feast of St. Louis IX, King of France. The story, which is suppose to be true, is about St. Louis, who we all know was a member and is a patron of the III Order of St. Francis. The story goes like this:
     It was known that St. Louis held a meeting with the people of his kingdom every Thursday to listen to their problems, gripes and whatever. There was always a long receiving line and Louis, with great patience, listened to every one.
    There was a man who lived nearby who grew a very large turnip in his garden. The man showed the turnip to his wife and said, “I think I will present this turnip to the King next Thursday. I don’t think there has ever been a turnip grown this large in France.
    His wife said, I think he will indeed enjoy the gift of the turnip, it will break the monotony of a long tedious day for the King.
    So, the man took his turnip to the king and waited in line. When he presented the turnip to Louis, he was greatly impressed by its size and weight and said, “it is truly the largest turnip I have ever seen.”
    Louis was so impressed that he said to one of his attendants, “go weigh the turnip and bring back to me the same weight in gold.” He then handed the man the gold. The man was greatly surprised at so generous a gift.
     Soon after, when word got around that the king had given the gold to the man for the turnip, the next Thursday there was a long line of people waiting in line with all kinds of gifts for the king. Many of the gifts were of considerable weight.
    There was one fellow who came early that Thursday morning to get close to the front of the line. He had with him a huge horse and presented it to the king.
    When the king saw the horse he gasped, “this is the largest horse I have ever seen. I will ride this horse wherever I go in France. It is beautiful.” Then Louis thanked him.
     The man stood there waiting, expectantly, for the king to say something more. Then after staring at each other and a moment of silence, the king turned to the attendant nearby and said, “Give him the turnip.”

Catholic Dictionary
INCENSE: Holy Smoke
JUSTICE: When kids have kids of their own.
MAGI: The most famous trio to attend a baby shower.
AMEN: The only part of a prayer that everyone knows.
BULLETIN: Parish information, read only during the homily.
CHOIR: A group of people whose singing allows the rest of the congregation to lip-sync.
JESUITS: An order of priests known for their ability to found colleges with good basketball teams.
PEW: A medieval torture device still found in Catholic Churches.
RECESSIONAL: The ceremonial procession at the conclusion of Mass led by parishioners trying to beat the crowd to the parking lot.
How To Get To Heaven

    A man dies and goes to heaven. Of course, St. Peter meets him at the Pearly Gates.
    St. Peter says, “Here’s how it works. You need 100 points to make it into heaven. You tell me all the good things you’ve done, and I give you a certain number of points for each item depending on how good it was. When you reach 100 points, you get in.
    “Okay,” the man says, “I was married to the same woman for 50 years and never cheated on her, even in my heart.”
    “That’s wonderful,” says St. Peter, “that’s worth three points!”
    “Three points?” he says. “Well, I attended church all my life and supported its ministry with my tithe and service.” 
    “Terrific!” says St. Peter. “That’s certainly worth a point.”
    “One point? the man says. OK I started a soup kitchen in my city and worked in a shelter for homeless veterans.”
     “Fantastic, that’s good for two more points, ” he says.
    “Two points!” the man cries. “At this rate the only way I get into heaven is by the grace of God.”
     “Right on,” says St. Peter! “That’s 100 points! Come on in.”

School Kid’s Testaments
This comes from a Catholic elementary school. Kids were asked questions about the Old and New Testaments. (No corrections to spelling, etc.)
    In the first book of the bible, Guinessis, God got tired of creating so he took the Sabbath off.
Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree. Noah’s wife was called Joan of Ark. Noah built an ark, which the animals come on to in pears.
Lot’s wife was a pillar of salt by day, but a ball of fire by night.
Samson was a strongman who let himself be led astray by Jezebel Like Delilah.
Samson slayed the Philistines with the axe of the Apostles.
Moses led the Hebrews to the Red Sea where they made unleavened bread, which is bread without any ingredients.
The Egyptians were all drowned in the dessert. Afterwards, Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the ten ammendments.
The First commandment was when Eve told adam to eat the apple.
The seventh commandment is thou shalt not admit adultery.
Moses died before he ever reached Canada. Then Joshua led the hebrews in the battle of Geritol.
The greatest miracle in Bible is when Joshua told his son to stand still and he obeyed him.
David was a hebrew king skilled at playing the liar; he fought with the Findlesteins, a race of people who lived in Biblical times.
Solomon, one of David’s sons, had 300 wives and 700 porcupines.
When the three wise guys from the east side arrived, they found Jesus in the manager.
St. John the blacksmith dumped water on his head.
Jesus enuciated the Golden Rule, which says to do one to others before they do one to you: He also explained, “a man doth not live by sweat alone.”
It was a miracle when Jesus rose from the dead and managed to get the tombstone off the entrance.
The people who followed the lord were called the 12 decibels.
The epistles were the wives of the apostles.
One of the oppossums was St. Matthew who was also a taximan.
Christians have only one spouse. This is called monotony.

Friars Open Florist Shop
    These friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened up a small florist shop to raise funds. Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the men of God, a rival florist across town thought the competition was unfair. He asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not.
    He went back and begged the friars to close. They ignored him. So, the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town to “persuade” them to close.
    Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying he’d be back if they didn’t close up shop. Terrified, they did so, thereby proving that Hugh, and only Hugh, can prevent florist friars.

FLORIDA  COURT SETS ATHEIST HOLY DAY
In Florida, an atheist created a case against the Upcoming Easter and Passover days.  He hired an attorney to bring a discrimination case against Christians, Jews and observances of their holy days. The argument was that it was unfair that atheists had no such recognized days. The case was brought before a judge.  After listening to the passionate presentation by the lawyer, the judge banged his gavel declaring, “Case dismissed!”   
The lawyer immediately stood objecting to the Ruling, “Your honor how can you possibly dismiss this case?  The Christians have Christmas, Easter and others.  The Jews have Passover, Yom Kippur and Hanukkah, yet my client and all other atheists have no such holidays.”
The judge leaned forward in his chair saying, “But you do.  Your client, counsel, is woefully ignorant.”
The lawyer said, “Your Honor, we are unaware of any special observance or holiday for atheists.”
The judge said, “The calendar says April 1st is April Fools Day.  Psalm 14:1 states, ‘The fool says in his heart, there is no God.’ Thus, it is the opinion of this court, that if your client says there is no God, then he is a fool.  Therefore, April 1st is his day.  Court is adjourned.
You gotta love a Judge that knows his scripture!

GET YOUR OWN DIRT
    The scientist approached God and said, “Listen, we’ve decided we no longer need you. Nowadays, we can extract stem cells, clone people, transplant hearts, and all kinds of things that were once considered miraculous.”
    God patiently heard him out, and then said, “All right. To see whether or not you still need me, why don’t we have a little man-making contest!”
    “Okay, great!” the scientist said.
    “Now, we’re going to do this just like I did back in the old days with Adam,” God said.
    “That’s fine,” replied the scientist and he bent down to scoop up a handful of dirt.
    “Whoa!” God said, shaking his head in disapproval. “Not so fast, pal. You get your own dirt.”
 “Simon Peter at the gate”
One day, Jesus went on a tour of the Heavenly City and noted that there were certain new residents who ought not to be there — not until they had put in a long time in Purgatory and some of them only on a last minute appeal.
He stormed out to the gate where Peter was at his workstation, checking the day’s intake.
”You’ve failed again, Simon Peter,” said the Lord.
”What have I done now? asked Peter. 
”You let a lot of people in who don’t belong” 
”I didn’t do it,” said Peter. 
”Well then, who did?” 
”You won’t like it,” Peter said.
”Just tell me anyway,” said the Lord.
Peter said, “When I turn them away from the front gate, they go around to the back door and your Mother lets them in!”

“Old Folks”
     Remember, old folks are worth a fortune: silver in their hair, gold in their teeth, stones in their kidneys, lead in their feet, and gas in their stomachs.
     I have become a little older since I saw you last and a few changes have come into my life since then. Frankly, I have become quite a frivolous old gal: I am seeing five gentlemen every day. 
     As soon as I wake up, Will Power helps me get out of bed. Then I immediately go see John. Charley Horse comes along, and when he gets here, he takes a lot of time and attention.
     When he leaves, Arthur Ritis shows up and stays the remainder of the day. He really
doesn’t like to stay in one place for very long, so he takes me from joint to joint.
After such a busy day, I am really tired, and am happy to go to bed with Ben Gay. What a Life!
PS. The Priest came to call the other day. He said that at my age I should be thinking about the hereafter. I told him: “Oh I do that all the time: No matter where I am, in the den, upstairs, in the kitchen, or out on the porch, I ask myself…Now what am I here after?!?!”

A Dinner Blessing
A mother invited some people to dinner. At the table she turned to her six-year-old daughter and said, “Would you like to say the blessing?”
“I wouldn’t know what to say,” the little girl replied.
“Just say what you hear Mommy say,” the mother said.
The little girl bowed her head and said, “Dear Lord, why on earth did I invite all these people to dinner?”

Acts 2:38
An elderly woman had just returned to her home from an evening church service when she was startled by an intruder. She caught the burglar red-handed, and yelled, “STOP! Acts 2:38 (meaning, repent and be baptized…)!”
The burglar immediately stopped! The woman then calmly called the police and explained what she had done.
As the officer cuffed the burglar, he asked him, “why did you just stand there? All the lady did was yell Scripture to you.”
Scripture? replied the burglar, “I thought she said she had an axe and two 38’s!”
   
“No Excuse Sunday”
In order to make it possible for everyone to attend church next weekend,
we are planning a special no-excuse Sunday:
1. Cots will be placed in the vestibule for those who say, “Sunday is my only 
day for sleeping in.”
2. We guarantee that some relatives will be present for those who like to go
visiting on Sunday.
3. We will have steel helmets for those who believe that the roof will cave in 
if they show up for church.
4. Blankets will be supplied for those who say the church is too cold. Fans will
be on hand for those who say it is too hot.
5. We will have hearing aids for those who say, “The priest doesn’t talk loud enough.”
There will be cotton for those who say, “He talks too loud.”
6. Score cards will be available for those who count the hypocrites.
7. Eye drops will be provided for those whose eyes are tired from watching TV too
late on Saturday night.
8. There will be TV dinners for those who claim they can’t go to church and
cook dinner too.
9. One section of the church will have some trees and grass for those who see
God in nature, especially on the golf course.
10. The sanctuary will be decorated with both poinsettias and Easter lilies to
create a familiar environment for those who have never seen the church without them.
(Humor heals so many aches and pains!)
The First Christmas
If, on the first Christmas, the three wise men had been women, they would have
asked for directions, arrived on time, cleaned the stable, helped deliver the 
baby, made a casserole and brought practical gifts.

Dear Lord
So far today, God, I’ve done alright. I haven’t gossiped; haven’t lost my temper; haven’t been greedy, grumpy, nasty, selfish, or over indulgent. I’m very glad about that; but, in a few minutes, I’m going to get out of bed and from then on I’m probably going to need a lot more of your help. Amen.

The Rabbi’s Hat
The rabbi’s hat one windy day,
A rabbi’s big black hat blew off. A young man ran after it and returned it. The rabbi thanked the man and added, “May God bless you.” I’ve been blessed by a rabbi, thought the man. This must be my lucky day. He headed for the racetrack and put his money on a horse named Stetson with 20-to-one odds. He won. In the second race, he bet on a horse named Fedora at 30-to-one. He won again. At the end of the day, the man returned home and told his wife about the rabbi and betting his money on horses named after hats. “So where’s the money?” she asked. “I lost it all in the ninth race,” he explained. “I bet on a horse named Chateau — it lost.” “You fool!” the wife screamed. “Chateau is a house — chapeau is a hat!” “It doesn’t matter, “he said. “The winner was some Japanese horse named Yarmulke.” Readers Digest (I guess we all know now what “hat” is in Japanese) 

Buy Me A Car
A young boy who just turned 16 asked his father to buy him a car.
“Dad, buy me a car!” the young boy said. “Oh, you want a car do you?” said the father. “Well, there are three things you have to do before I buy you a car.”
“The first is, bring your grades up in school. The second is, get a haircut. And, the third is, read a little of the Bible each day!”
The boy went up stairs very distraught. He wasn’t interested in school, he didn’t want a haircut and he certainly didn’t want to read the Bible.
He thought for a while and finally decided to read a little of the Bible. After some time he came rushing down stairs calling his father. “Dad, Dad, I just found out, Jesus had long hair!” “Yes,” his father said, “And He walked everywhere, didn’t He?”

Priests’ Dilemma
If a priest preaches over 10 minutes, he’s long-winded.
If his sermon is short, he didn’t prepare it.
If the parish funds are high, he’s a businessman.
If he mentions money, he’s money mad.
If he visits his parishioners, he’s nosy.
If he doesn’t, he’s being snobbish.
If he has fairs and bazaars, he’s bleeding the people.
If he doesn’t there isn’t any life in the parish.
If he takes time in confession to help and advise sinners, he takes too long.
If he doesn’t, he doesn’t care.
If he celebrates liturgy in a quiet voice, he’s a bore.
If he puts feeling into it, he’s an actor.
If he starts late, he’s holding up the people.
If he tries to lead the people in music, he’s showing off.
If he doesn’t, he doesn’t care what Mass is like.
If he decorates the church, he’s wasting money.
If he doesn’t, he’s letting it run down.
If he’s young, he’s not experienced.
If he’s old, he ought to retire.
If he dies, there was nobody like him and there will never be his equal again.
Anonymous

Surprise in Heaven
I dreamed death came, the other night
And Heaven’s gate swung wide.
An angel with halo bright,
Ushered me inside.
And there, to my astonishment,
Stood folks I had judged and labeled
As “quite unfit,” of “little worth,”
And “spiritually disabled.”
Indignant words roses to my lips,
But, never were set free,
For every face showed stunned surprise -
No one expected ME!

Priest’s first Assignment
      A young priest reported to his first parish shortly after his ordination.
The pastor of the church told him his first job would be to officiate at a funeral Mass for Michael Clancy the very next morning.
      Reluctantly, the priest showed up the next morning not knowing anything about Mr. Clancy and wondered what he would say about the poor man.
After a few trite remarks about death and resurrection, the young priest asked the congregation, “Would anyone like to stand up and say a few words about Michael Clancy.” There came no reply. Again he asked, “Is there anyone who might like to say a few words about Michael.” And again there was no reply. In exasperation the priest said, “Please, there must be somebody….” Just then, some fellow from the back of the church stood up and said, “He was better than his brother.”

Two Evil Brothers
There were two wealthy brothers who were evil. They belonged to the same parish and fooled everyone but their pastor. One of them died suddenly. The remaining brother told the pastor that he would pay off the church debt if, at the funeral, he would say his brother was a saint. The pastor agreed and deposited the check. At the funeral the pastor went on and on about how evil the dead man had been. He told the congregation how the man had abused his wife and his children. He concluded his sermon by saying, “But compared to his brother, he was a saint.”
(Franciscans should strive to be holy as their Father in heaven is holy.)

Director of the Hospital
The director of a hospital was a tough administrator. His attitude was, three days and your out. He was known to be unforgiving, strictly business and uncaring by the doctors that worked with him.
One day the doctor died and appeared before the pearly gates where St. Peter was waiting for him. He said to St. Peter, “I was worried, everyone said I was unforgiving and didn’t care about my patients.” St. Peter looked at his record in his book and said, “Oh, it’s alright, you can come in; but, you can only stay three days.”
(Franciscans should be compassionate and caring.)

Two bad boys
Mary’s two little boys, John and Scott, were being very bad, so she asked Father Jim to talk to them; hoping the priest would make an impression.
The priest called Johnny, one of the little boys, into his office and said, “Johnny, your mother tells me you’ve been very bad. Johnny looks at the priest with a woeful eye and says nothing.
The priest says to Johnny, “Do you know where God is,” trying to get his attention. Still there is no reaction from Johnny. The priest repeats, “Do you know where God is.” The frightened little boy jumps out of his chair and runs out of the office to where his brother Scott is waiting his turn. “Scott,” says Johnny, “Father Jim’s lost God and he thinks we took Him”

From the mouth of a child comes Wisdom (True Story)
My two grandsons, Colin and Daniel were preparing for their First Holy Communion, which was to be celebrated the following day. They were having a serious discussion with their Mother about receiving the Eucharist. She was explaining about the “consecration” during the Mass and asked them what they knew about it. Daniel spoke up and said, “the Mass is when the bread is “Christcreated.” A bit of wisdom from a small 8 year old boy, don’t you think?

Compassion and Caring
The director of a hospital was a tough administrator. His attitude was, three days and your out. He was known to be unforgiving, strictly business and uncaring by the doctors that worked with him.
One day the doctor died and appeared before the pearly gates where St. Peter was waiting for him. He said to St. Peter, “I was worried, everyone said I was unforgiving and didn’t care about my patients.” St. Peter looked at his record in his book and said, “Oh, it’s alright, you can come in; but, you can only stay three days

Retirement Dinner
A priest was being honored at his retirement dinner after 25 years in the parish. A leading local politician and member of the congregation was chosen to make the presentation and give a little speech at the dinner. He was delayed, so the priest decided to say a few words of his own while they waited.
“I got my first impression of the parish from the first confession I heard here. I thought I had been assigned to a terrible place. The very first person who entered my confessional told me he had stolen a television set and, when questioned by the police, was able to lie his way out of it. He had stolen money from his parents, embezzled from his employer, had an affair with his boss’s wife and taken illegal drugs. I was appalled. But as the days went on I knew that my people were not all like that and I had, indeed, come to a fine parish full of good and loving people.”…..
Just as the priest finished his talk, the politician arrived full of apologies at being late. He immediately began to make the presentation and gave his talk. “I’ll never forget the first day our parish priest arrived,” said the Politician. “In fact, I had the honor of being the first one to go to him in confession.”
Moral of the Story: DON’T EVER BE LATE

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *